(Back in the 80’s, Whodini said, “The freaks come out at night†and they were right. Coincidentally, Houdini the magician also performed with freaks for eight years of a career cut short by unexpected death. Unexpected death is what I wish upon the people who barge into business establishments on Halloween and demand candy without so much as wearing a costume. Costume jewelry is even more worthless than these “dime a dozen†people that’s not how much they sell it for. Foreskin left uncut, is a bacterial breeding ground. It generates smegma which smells so bad it could make the guys on Jackass gag with disgust. A jackass is a half-breed among other equestrian beasts, yet donkeys and horses never make fun of them. People make fun of retarded people because they usually don’t have a witty reply. Speaking of witty: you know what isn’t? A costume you have to explain.)
Someone needs to explain to me how a pagan ritual like “All Hallows Eve†is embraced by Jews, Christians, Hindus, Muslims, Buddhists and even those dirty Satanist bastards (coming to a neighborhood near you), yet we can’t agree on scientific concepts like evolution. Is a bit of free candy really more compelling than centuries of physical evidence?  The whole thing’s enough to cause a parenthetical stream-of-consciousness at the top of my blog post!
Now that Halloween is over, I feel compelled to express my growing disdain for it. I’m not against people revealing their hidden desires and wearing their fetishes on their sleeves. It’s the orgy of entitlement and greed both parents and their children indulge in, which bothers me. I’m talking about “trick-or-treating†of course. This ritual does nothing but teach children to beg strangers for hand-outs and expect something for nothing.
When you think about it, Halloween is probably responsible for all those people who ask for change out on the street. They must feel that putting on a costume will get people to give them free stuff.  That’s why they wear all those old close and dirt make-up. So I’ve decided that from now on, I’m going to give beggars some candy to feed their inner child. I urge everyone to do the same. Sure, money is nice, but it can’t buy happiness. Hand out sweets and you know it won’t be used to buy crack. Treats also can’t rot teeth which are mostly gone already.
So get out there and spread the Halloween spirit all year long! Give some candy to a bum and tell them Magic Butter told you to do it.
-King 0f New York
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