Look, I love porn as much, if not more than the next guy. It is the grease which lubricates the Internet these days and keeps it profitable. The popularity of this product has created an interesting dynamic in our culture. People who are desperate for attention can now video tape their private sex acts and sell them to the public for increased exposure. Paris Hilton and Pam Anderson were quite successful at this. On their heels, Kim Kardashian, American Idol reject Olivia Mojica, and now the former “Long Island Lolita” Amy Fisher are getting in on this gravy train.

What follows, is a frank and sometimes graphic account of Amy Fisher’s latest effort. It has been released by the folks responsible for Paris Hilton’s sex tape; Redlight District, and is called “Amy Fisher: Caught on Tape.” I sat through all fifty five minutes of it, so you don’t have to. If you’d like the short and sweet version, here it is: This video made me want to hate sex. It had very little in the way of titillation or sex appeal. I found it sad at times, dull and generally off-putting. It’s possible that this is because I like to find flaws in things. Or maybe it’s because I’m too observant for my own good. The bottom line: It definitely isn’t a product worth paying for.

Now for the gory details: The video depicts an almost constantly naked Amy Fisher along with her older husband Lou. She bathes in bubbles, showers, lounges by her backyard pool and in it. She feigns excitement while letting her man blow his load on her fake boobs. The only genuine orgasms she seems to have are self-inflicted. She is pounded fondled and orally serviced in various positions by a man who suspiciously resembles her old flame, Joey Buttafucco. There is spanking, minor bondage, manual release, toy-assisted penetration, and I’d wager more than a single “little blue pill” involved.

All this might have been more appealing around the time when Amy Fisher was at the height of her infamy. However she’s well past that. She is a mom in her mid thirties now and not even MILF material. In case you don’t remember her story, the spotlight found Amy when she shot her boyfriend’s wife in the face on their doorstep. Mind you, she was sixteen at the time and her boyfriend was an overweight Long Island car mechanic who was thirty five. The US was intrigued with the idea that some shlub was able to charm a teenage girl into banging him regularly. The icing on the cake of this decadent tale was that she was so obsessed with him that she would be willing to commit murder to keep him.

Early in the video, Amy says such things as, “I love tasting my daddy’s cum.” And “I live to suck this cock. This is my little bit of heaven.” These statements had entirely the opposite of their intended effect on me. It was a complete turn-off. This was the point where I wished I hated sex. Perhaps if I had more negative feelings associated with my sexuality, I’d feel comfortable with considering what I was watching as some sort of punishment for Ms. Fisher; having sex with this old dude as a karmic revenge for shooting an innocent woman and sexing up her husband.

That’s not the case though. Amy and Lou are a married couple who presumably love each other. In fact, I think what’s going on in the video is an exercise in ego stroking. The two participants are constantly trying to flatter each other. Amy talks about how large her man’s unit is, when in fact it is average at best. Lou keeps saying how beautiful Amy is, ignoring her over-plucked eyebrows, implant scars, in-grown pubes, and highly teased Long Island hairdo. It’s obvious the couple is very vain. There are mirrors everywhere in their bedroom. Even Amy’s dildo is reflective! At several points during the action, you can see both lovers looking off into the mirror or monitor and preening themselves.

Amy actually looks into the camera while straddling Lou and says, “I always wanted to be a porn star.” She asks him if he’ll teach her how and he agrees. This is contrary to being ‘taken seriously as a journalist,’ which is the desire she expressed to Oprah a few years ago, but she may have a future in this field. The girl’s got a fairly appealing body, she just needs to work on the acting a bit. She’s even got that porn star move down where she covers her belly with one hand under the guise of touching herself, when she’s really hiding an unsightly paunch.

Perhaps I’m looking too closely, but it’s hard to not read into things when you’re watching a woman who’s had several TV movies made from her life story. When Amy says, “Wanna spank me a little bit? I feel like I’ve been a bad girl.” I can’t help but think she’s referring to her past crimes. When her husband teases Amy and asks, “Have you been a good girl?” She doesn’t answer.

The only other time she doesn’t answer Lou in this video is when he asks, “This pussy was created for me, wasn’t it?” The silence is deafening. It makes me almost feel that the video’s target audience might be a certain Long Island mechanic; a sort of passive-aggressive final shot which says, “Look what I’m doing with this dude who looks like you but isn’t you.” In the brief scene where Lou blindfolds Amy, I can’t help considering that she might just be imagining Joey in his place.

I imagine that Lou might be more like Joey than Amy realizes. At one point, he starts saying, “You’ve got the body of like a 17 year-o..” and the scene abruptly fades mid-word. The admiration in his eyes when he’s penetrating Amy is evident. Is he thinking, “My wife’s a hottie!” or is banging the “Long Island Lolita” what’s secretly getting him off? It’s impossible for me to tell.

What is clear is that Amy isn’t all that happy. She seems bored in most of the sexual scenarios where she’s not pleasuring herself. The exaggerated acting isn’t believable at all. The dirty talk seems forced. Then, at around 47:30 in, you can see a sort of distant look cross her face. For a few moments she appears to be thinking, “What the hell am I doing?”

I know what she hasn’t done. She hasn’t succeeded at making an interesting home movie of her sex life. Had she been just another anonymous amateur pornographer, this video would be completely ignored by the adult film industry and its customers. I’m glad I didn’t pay for the video and I would urge anyone else to avoid doing so as well.

Joey and Amy should have faded into obscurity long ago. Instead, they’ve shamelessly milked every bit of media attention from a tragic situation that they possibly could. They’ve tried to sell books, reunion specials, reality shows, and now porn to keep themselves in the public eye and for profit. I know that I’ve paid Amy way too much attention by simply writing about her here. As I say though, I watched the video so you wouldn’t have to. I don’t even want to keep it. Remind me next time we go out drinking and I’ll hand it over to you.

-King 0f New York