Look, I’m a pretty open-minded guy. If you want to dress up rodents and play “Boy Band” with them in the privacy of your own home, it’s fine by me. I’m not saying that I advocate animal abuse. I’m saying that, as a dominant species, we are certainly allowed to take some liberties with lesser creatures. Everyone knows that chickens are okay for eating, horses are okay for riding and gerbels are okay for anal pleasure if you’re a celebrity. Even I must draw the line though, at making cute little creatures eat shit for our amusement.

Fox studios have released a trailer for their upcoming children’s movie, entitled “Alvin and the Chipmunks” today. You can go have a look at it if you like, but I wouldn’t recommend it. Instead, let me give you a synopsis: The trailer features a disembodied voice describing some musical group which is not singing vermin. The visuals are mostly stock footage of concerts and cheering fans. The last twenty seconds or so show you computer generated rodents in t-shirts and Jason Lee. One of the critters picks up a clump of crap, freshly excreted by his fuzzy compatriot and pops it into his mouth without hesitation. Jason Lee shrugs off yet another poor career choice and walks off screen. The furry varmint with a mouthful of shit spits it out. That’s the trailer.

This movie promises to introduce your child to fecal feats of frivolity in the most family-friendly way possible. If that isn’t a selling point to bring up to the missus, I don’t know what is. I mean, think of the road you’d be paving for your progeny! Never again will they be hesitant about engaging in scat-play or any ass-related hijinx. Dookie will cease to be taboo. After seeing that even a rodent can achieve fame and fortune despite their penchant for munching on turds, a person becomes liberated. They can walk down the dirtiest of streets without any concern for what they may tread in.

It’s true that the human mouth is more dirty and germ-ridden than most any other part of our anatomy. So once you come to terms with that, and the taste of ass, there’s really not much more to be grossed out by, is there? We can live fearlessly, putting our shit-shame behind us once and for all.

Like I said at the outset, I’m against animals consuming feces to give us a laugh. So the trailer strikes a sour chord with me. However, it might be possible that I’m misreading it. Perhaps the inclusion of crap in their first trailer for “Alvin and the Chipmunks” is some new “honesty in advertising” directive by Fox. Maybe we as the potential viewing audience are supposed to infer that, if the movie trailer blatantly displays shit, we should expect more of the same from the rest of the film.

-King 0f New York