A wiser man might call this pessimism, but what the fuck does that wrinkle-faced, book lover know anyway? I prefer to think of my uncanny knack of finding something wrong as optimism by process of elimination. In other words, I examine the noun in question and determine whether it is good or not by looking for what might be bad about it.

If you find yourself in a public place, give it a try and watch how quickly you get into it. The time will just fly and your bitterness will grow exponentially. Not sure how to start? Let me give you a scenario from memory.

In a not so recent visit to my doctor’s office to address high blood pressure and other stress -related maladies, I had some time to judge people and things while in the waiting room. My thought process went a little something like this:

Man, how do they expect people to sign in here with such a crappy pen? The chain’s way to short for me to properly swish the “A” in my name. Whatever! I don’t see who came up with this signing in procedure anyway. What the hell are receptionists for if not to sign you in? Now if only I can find a seat in this place that isn’t next to a smelly person carrying a highly contagious disease, I’ll be alright. You’d think a room where people sit and wait would have more comfortable chairs than these.  And with all these sick people around, shouldn’t there be some sort of defense against infection? No, that makes too much sense for this place. We’re all on our own out here. Look, even the fish in the fish tank look ill. One of them looks a day or two away from the ol’ burial at sea (flush flush). It looks like they don’t clean in there either. Christ! I’m entrusting my health in people who can’t keep a goldfish healthy? What the hell’s wrong with me? I’m probably the only sane one in here. I know with certainty that whoever set the television to Jerry Springer wasn’t playing with a full deck. Which one of them was it? I bet that fat one did it. She looks like she sits around watching daytime TV a bit too often. I hope the doctor gives her a free referral for a good health plan soon. Heart disease is a bitch, girlfriend! Oh and speaking of bitch, I bet that brunette right there would love to change the channel and put on some soap opera. Yeah, you love the drama, don’t you? The way she sucks her teeth at people all day, you’d think they’d be a bit cleaner. What the hell is taking so long for them to call me in anyway? I was here for my appointment on time, wasn’t I? Not that the traffic around this area made it easy for me. Shit, the traffic wasn’t even that bad compared to the parking. I wouldn’t even have a spot if I hadn’t beat the hell out of that Bronco’s bumper pulling in. Fuck him! He deserves it for driving such a gas guzzler. People with sports cars are such assholes. Why don’t they ever get sick and have to be in a place like this the whole day wasting their time? Oh great, another tampon commercial on the TV! That’s what we need…because women wouldn’t know that they needed to plug their bleeding orifice once a month without an hourly reminder during every program men watch.

See, it’s easy! Criticizing everyone and everything that comes to mind is cheap entertainment. With a little practice, you too can methodically fill yourself with venom until your hatred festers into a full-blown medical condition. Perhaps an aneurism! No one but your doctor will know just how bitter you are until you finally climb that clock tower with your only true friend: the high-powered rifle with sniper scope.

-King 0f New York