At this point, there’s little room for debate. The free society we know as the United States of America will soon be a police state. Countless books and documentaries on the subject are available for your perusal if you want to know the gory details. Sure, they are mostly filled with conspiracy theories and facts to back them up. Of course the future is not set, like they told us in the Terminator movies. However, I’ve resigned myself to the conclusion that American society is currently far too lazy and apathetic to do anything about impending enslavement and dictatorial rule. So I’m just going to worry about me and mine. After all, that’s what we’re good at in this country, right?

If you don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, that’s okay too. Just go back to your soap operas, celebrity gossip rags and caramel latte frapaccino. Make sure to think carefully about whom you will be supporting in the next Dancing with the Stars vote while your government crumbles from lack of citizen participation. Just remember, sheep get slaughtered.

For those of you who are still reading, and are interested in surviving the eventual transition, I’ve put together a few pointers. The list below will help you stay alive when our government implodes and becomes a dictatorship. If you follow these simple steps, you’ll likely manage to save yourself and most of your immediate family from instant execution or imprisonment on the day that our armies and police forces are turned against us. The sooner you begin preparing, the better off you’ll be.

1. If you can’t beat them, join’em: According to most doomsday scenarios spelled out by conspiracy psychos who sound like they know what they’re talking about, our leaders will turn our own military forces against us. So why not become one of them before that happens? Sign up for military service. Do your best to maintain your individuality as the government goons try and brainwash the morality out of you. Serve your country while you secretly secure your own safety and power prior to the day when all hell breaks loose. If you’re too much of a pussy for military duty, join the local police force. Chances are, they will be enlisted to come for your loved ones in the middle of the night. Seems to me that the only way to make sure they aren’t coming for you (aside from taking an interest in politics and becoming active in the process which shapes your laws and society) is to be one of them.

2. Make friends in high places: The next best thing to being the man is being friends with lots of them. So if you haven’t the stones to wear a uniform, make sure you know a bunch of folks who do. You can participate in PBA and various other cop-friendly organizations. Encourage your loved ones to marry or themselves become police and military. Or, take some time to introduce yourself to the people who work law-enforcement in your area. Hang out at the local Dunkin Donuts (the stereotype is TRUE, kids!) and pick up the tab on your local badge’s coffee every so often. Give them a friendly salute and a “Howdy, neighbor!” once in a while. Make sure they know your name and that you are good people. So when the time comes to round up all the locals and bring them to the nearest detention facility, your friends and family on the force might be able to give you a break.

3. Get rid of contraband now: The last thing you want when the feds knock down your door is to be caught with all sorts of illicit, anti-establishment paraphernalia. Set time aside to walk through your home and isolate all the provocative reading material, thought-provoking documentaries, legal papers, copies of the Constitution of the United States, and anything else the government cronies may find threatening. Get rid of it, or at the very least hide it where it can’t be found. Currently, having a copy on the Constitution on you when pulled over by a cop is a red flag signaling that you may be a troublemaker or terrorist. Imagine how bad an infraction that will be considered in our future police state.

4. Be entertaining: A world without freedom is going to be pretty dull. Storm troopers who imprison and oppress their fellow citizens all day will get pretty bored. So it’s to your benefit if you can offer them some amusement. Maybe if you’re funny enough, they’ll take it easy on you when it’s your turn to be tortured? Tell a good story and maybe the guards will let you hang with them past curfew. Develop these necessary skills now. A talented comic, massage giver, stripper or cunning linguist could eke out a tolerable existence for herself if she plays her cards right.

5. Buy stuff while you can: Let’s face it, along with the fall of the US government as we know it, the economic system will no doubt crumble. Those stocks and bonds you’ve invested in won’t mean shit when the markets are closed down. When the dollar is worthless what are you going to trade for food and protection? The only answer is to sell all your investments now. Liquidate your portfolios and turn all assets into cash. Then buy as much crap as you can. Stockpile booze and cigarettes because, just like in jail, those will be the new currency when the “Land of the Free” becomes the “Home of Enslaved.” Buy up lots of “stuff” which can later be traded to others in exchange for security, food, and other necessities. If possible, buy small things which are valuable like jewelry. Nelly and Paul Wall have the right idea. Instead of putting $50,000 in an IRA or 401K, put it in your mouth. Get a “grill” made from gold and diamonds. That way, you’ll be able to bribe your way out of the toughest situations once the evil secret societies take power.

6. Embrace the underground: Where there is oppression and tyranny, there will always be underground resistance. Find those people in your area who are currently outspoken about politics. Meet some activists. Attend some meetings. Just be very cautious that you don’t become part of their group. Make sure you know who they are and they know who you are. This serves two purposes; It gives you an in with the possible liberators in case the resistance is somehow able to wrangle the power away from the fascist regime. It also gives you some valuable information in a pinch. If the time ever comes when you are facing a firing squad or when your family is about to be made into Soilent Green, you can offer up the names of the resistance to save your own pitiful skin.

7. Build a bunker: Hiding works. Look at Anne Frank! If you have the means, why not setup a comfortable little hole for you and yours to crawl into when the bad men come? Many Americans are currently living in a figurative hole, while ignoring what’s going on in the world around them. They sit and occupy themselves with trivialities, hoping the problems work themselves out and all just go away. If you plan carefully enough, you might be successful in designing a literal hole for yourself to wait out the oppression in. A self-imposed prison is so much better than one that’s forced on you.

8. Welcome our new overlords: There’s nothing more endearing to a tyrant than loyalty. Perhaps you can win one over by demonstrating that you were on his side all along. If you start hanging up pictures of George W. Bush today, you’ll get a jump-start on his impending power-grab right before the 2008 elections. So when the thought police arrive at your house, they can report back that you have always been a fan.

That should be enough to get you all started. There are a few other tips I can offer, but I don’t want to get into too much detail at the moment. Suffice it to say that concerned citizens should start building up a tolerance to electrocution and various poisons now. Learn to stay off the radar by being mediocre. Speak only when spoken to. Get cozy with Catholicism. Before too long, you’ll be prepared for the transition from freedom to slavery. It will go only as smoothly as you allow it to.

-King 0f New York

Centuries ago, sailors had very simple lives, when you think about it. They spent most of their time on the ocean with aquatic life being their only external contact. Whenever they reach shore, seamen would look for company at the nearest and cheapest brothel. This company, due to a thriving sex trade and poor hygiene, often included a fish like smell wafting from the under-carriage. Unpleasant as it may seem, this smell was almost a Pavlovian trigger for these men which screamed, “SEX!”

Combining a half-naked woman with a fish tail was almost rational to them. After all, if a promiscuous female is ever waiting for these men on shore, why shouldn’t there also be fishy females waiting under the sea? When you’re dehydrated, on the brink of scurvy and lonely, the idea seems quite appealing.

We modern folks have taken this crazy idea and romanticized it for mass consumption. Movies like “Splash” or “Lady in the Water” paint mermaids as seductive creatures. Unfortunately, the physical beauty of a topless gal from the ocean must get knocked down several notches by that strong fish stench. Even if she magically changes her fish-tail for legs, and you can get past the odor of undersea living, one needs to consider where else that lady from the water has been before you. Has she been violated by a randy porpoise? Perhaps pounded by a killer whale? Is there a chance she’s got “the HIV” from some dirty needles dumped in the sea?

It’s probably fair to say that the average man of today wouldn’t find the prospect of bedding a half-fish/lady attractive. However, that doesn’t mean that the swashbuckling pirates of days gone by wouldn’t consider Disney’s “Little Mermaid” the equivalent of a stag film. I’m sure we could spend quite some time discussing how seashells must chafe a perky aquatic nipple in the salt water. Unfortunately, that will have to wait for another day…

–King 0f New York