…okay, I’m back. What was I talking about? The meaning of life? Splitting the atom? Whatever it was, it must have been awesome, otherwise I wouldn’t have stopped in the middle to go masturbate. Moving on…Everyone and his Aunt Fannie is talking about Thanksgiving today. So I’ll save that for another time. Instead, I’d like to discuss a certain food.

Pomegranates turn me on. There, I said it. Of course, I’m not suggesting they are sexual, like say an apple pie. They just make me feel good in a very primal way. There’s no getting around their appeal to my primitive nature. I know you might be thinking I’m completely off my nut, but give me a chance to explain.

As a civilized society, we like to demonstrate our dominance over beast and foul by using tools to do everything. We eat with utensils, build with machines, cook with fire, and et cetera. It’s all very complex and impressive to our fellow mammals, I’m sure. However, we haven’t lost our baser instincts. Among the simplest and most basic pleasures we can experience as animals, is to devour another living thing. A fresh salad, sushi, fruits, steak tartar can all be manifestations of this desire. In fact, vampire stories may even be a metaphor for the animal instinct to devour the life essence of others.

Now at this point, the question is obvious: What does all that have to do with a fruit as weird as the pomegranate? Relax sweet pea, I was just getting to that! Pomegranates have several characteristics which make them appeal to our animal instincts. First of all, they are difficult to eat with any sort of utensils. The best way to eat one is to break it open and pick at all the various layers and membranes to get at the sweet and juicy fruit inside. Each kernel has a seed inside of it. This prevents the use of a fork to pick them up. Using a knife or spoon to try and pull out the little nuggets, will only succeed in making fruit juice or mush.

Speaking of juice, the red liquid inside of a pomegranate is very similar looking to blood. Psychological testing has determined that humans respond aggressively to seeing blood and red colors which approximate it. Combining that with the leathery skin, the sweet taste, the feel of it all…it’s just a perfect storm of carnal satisfaction in a fruit.

I’m telling you, get yourself a pomegranate and find a corner in which to crouch. Rip it open and devour the insides. Once you taste the sweetness, and start spitting out the seeds, there’s no turning back. Before long you’ll start feeling like a primate. Go ahead, make a mess! Scratch your nuts, fling your poo and be yourself. That’s what being an animal is all about, after all.

-King 0f New York