Jerry Springer has already kicked off his seventeenth season in syndicated television and is nowhere near running out of losers for us to ogle at. It really is amazing, and a bit sad, that there are so many people in this country willing to humiliate themselves and air their dirty laundry in public for a few minutes of fleeting celebrity. Even more amazing, is that people are still watching after all these years. Ratings during the day are still pretty good. Still more amazing, Jerry’s making money with Pay-Per-View specials where the action is uncensored. People are actually willing to pay for his shows on DVD as well.

So what’s Springer doing to keep things fresh for so long? Well, there are some basics that never change. People will continue to tune in as long as there is sex and violence. When girls rip each other’s shirts off over some dirt-bag, it gets viewers. When some sort of mutant shows up, people are tuning in. However, it seems like Jerry is catering more to certain fetishes these days. Extremely fat folks, midgets, and sloshing are now featured more often. In case you’re behind the times, “sloshing” refers to getting messy with food or other stuff in a sexual manner.

Also new on the Springer Show this season, are three off-duty female police officers. Mimi Madrigal, Katie Darwin and Mari Flores are trying to fill the massive void which Steve Wilkos left when he got his own show. The security force is certainly a lot nicer to look at. However, I question their effectiveness when two street brawlers start throwing fists on the Springer stage. I guess time will tell whether they have what it takes to do the job.

I’m just hoping that they call me soon. I’ve been anxious to get on television and come clean about my secret crush on Angelina Jolie. Hopefully, they’ll let me and Brad Pitt punch each other a little bit about it before they break us up. I know he could probably kick my ass (I watched “Fight Club” after all) but I know I’d get a few good shots in. Maybe if the lady cops were breaking us up, we could pull their shirts off in the process. Then Angie could jump in and get her clothes ripped off too.

Maybe then they could all give me lap dances…and get oiled up…and…excuse me a minute…

-King 0f New York