Today we pay tribute to a dear friend of mine. A friend whom I never expected to join my life. Oh sure, I asked for him, but never thought that I would be so lucky to have him join me on my path. It was Christmas morning, the ground was covered in a blanket of frozen dew. My father, who was busy making eggs with disgusting low-fat slices of american cheese, had wrapped presents all
through the night. When the time came to open said gifts, I could hardly contain myself. OH JOYOUS DAY! COOKIE MONSTER!!!!!!!!
We’ve been through a lot Cookie, and I thank you for the sacrifices you’ve made on this journey. You never knew that one day I would own a dog who would one day own your ass. Your perfect shape, and low center of gravity made you a perfect companion for the sweet Boston Terrier. I commend you on your patience when the second dog was brought home. She clearly had more in mind for you. I salute you Cookie Monster, you will not be forgotten.
So i thought that I had packed underwear for the weekend getaway my BF was taking me on. Unfortunately, as fate would have it, I did not. After day one, which included a 3 hour car ride, a walk through town, a beer, another beer a bottle of champagne and a late night stroll on the beach, my underwear were already in a state of agitation. I laid them by the window sill and hoped that the night air would absorb the moisture. Fate is a cruel bitch of a whore, it was too late, coagulation; the change from a liquid to a thickened, curdlike, insoluble state, not by evaporation, but by some kind of chemical reaction, had already begun. I picked the clumps off my drawers and donned them for the second day. As the temperatures soared to 80 degrees, the goo in my pants began to rise like a loaf of bread. I slept that night with no underwear and a fan directly in my vagina. The third day I had a plan. Turn the underwear inside out. If you haven’t thrown up by now, here’s your chance. The image below was taken just minutes after i spooned the contents of my vagine into a tiny little saucer. Remember kids, if you forget your underwear, make sure you have a spoon!
Hey Ladies, tired of your man working like a dog to make those millions? Wish he would spend a little more quality time with you? Afraid that after he’s made that money he’s gonna up and leave you for another women? Well now thanks to my ingenious system that I back with a 99% guarantee, you too will leave the relationship feeling satisfied! After intercourse, simply take your boyfriends condom inside out and thrust it into your vagina. You’ll be experience morning sickness in no time. What’s that? You don’t use condoms? You’re on the pill? Well that’s easy enough. Immediately stop taking the pill provided to you by your doctor and get ready to experience the joy of cornering a man into marriage through child birth.
I know what a lot of you are thinking, I don’t need to have a child to ensure my relationship will last. Well let me tell you something you ignorant whore, you do. Act now, supplies won’t last!
Oh hells yes. We threw down at Rockstar Bar, gave away T-shirts and got shitty. We wouldn’t have had it any other way. Ded Sexi rocked my pants off… I “took” my pants off actually - everyone saw my butt. I wish you guys were there cause it would have been awesome to show you my butt. You know what, i shouldn’t be selfish. Here it is - My butt.
So I never really watched “The Office” until about season three. I wanted to catch up, so i bought season one and two. Immediately I was hooked. Anyway, I was PMSing so hard at the end of season two that I cried my eyes out and went on the hunt for season three. I ended up downloading it from Itunes. I got my fix and then decided that John Krasinski (jim halpert) wanted to get me in the sack and that I needed to help him out. I found his myspace page, wrote like 20 jokes to him - ya know, to woo him with my charm, and the guy never responded. WTF! So then I do some searching and find out that he’s too nice. Don’t get me wrong, i’m really nice, but I would tear that ass up like a 2008 CATERPILLAR D11R… YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYIN?!?!?!?
A lot of you have been asking me if I’m your friend from high school or that girl you played softball with in elementary school. I don’t know. I could be. Is that what you want? Why don’t you just tell me what you want people. I want you. I want you to want me!!!! I want you to want me so bad that i have to get a restraining order against you and then you break the restraining order and I have to go into the witness protection plan only for you to bribe and FBI agent and uncover my hideout forcing me to leave my family and the church that supported me during those hard times to live a life in china until I resurface on the TV because even in China I’m that fucking awesome.
You know what I’m sick and tired of? People tryin to tell me what to do. You know, Jill might have taken that crap, but GOLDIELOXXX isn’t. From now on, i’m going to wear a pair of brass knuckles everywhere I go. If someone tries to get me to clean their underwear, walk the dog, move my car out of the no parking zone, eat shit, give to the poor, vote, recycle, stick my hand in a french fryer, pay the rent and or remove my ovaries and sell them to operah, i’ll do it - then i’ll stick them in the balls with my brass knuckles. (unless you’re a girl, then i’ll pop you in the tit) This is my official position.
I’m not quite sure why bands decide to reunite. Maybe it’s the money. Maybe they’re looking for a little attention… Or maybe it’s because their loyal fans demand it. I’ve never got to go to fucking NKOTB concert when I was little and quite frankly, i feel really fucking cheated. In the video above, Donnie Whalberg picks a little girl out of the audience and sings “Cover Girl” to her. WTF?!?!?! What kind of sick rub it in my face joke is that? Have the reunioin or else.
A blonde buys a handgun at a local pawn shop because she thinks her husband is
cheating on her. When she gets home, she finds her husband in bed with a woman.
The Blonde grabs the gun out of her purse, loads it and points it at her own
head.
Her husband seeing this starts screaming at her not to
Shoot.
The blonde replies “Shut up stupid! You’re next!”
You know what, there is nothing funny about a woman killing herself and then killing someone else. I mean this is a really dangerous situation. If a woman has the power to die and then come back from the dead and kill other people, well then we’re all in serious trouble. Watch your backs people! Watch your backs.
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