Centuries ago, sailors had very simple lives, when you think about it. They spent most of their time on the ocean with aquatic life being their only external contact. Whenever they reach shore, seamen would look for company at the nearest and cheapest brothel. This company, due to a thriving sex trade and poor hygiene, often included a fish like smell wafting from the under-carriage. Unpleasant as it may seem, this smell was almost a Pavlovian trigger for these men which screamed, “SEX!”

Combining a half-naked woman with a fish tail was almost rational to them. After all, if a promiscuous female is ever waiting for these men on shore, why shouldn’t there also be fishy females waiting under the sea? When you’re dehydrated, on the brink of scurvy and lonely, the idea seems quite appealing.

We modern folks have taken this crazy idea and romanticized it for mass consumption. Movies like “Splash” or “Lady in the Water” paint mermaids as seductive creatures. Unfortunately, the physical beauty of a topless gal from the ocean must get knocked down several notches by that strong fish stench. Even if she magically changes her fish-tail for legs, and you can get past the odor of undersea living, one needs to consider where else that lady from the water has been before you. Has she been violated by a randy porpoise? Perhaps pounded by a killer whale? Is there a chance she’s got “the HIV” from some dirty needles dumped in the sea?

It’s probably fair to say that the average man of today wouldn’t find the prospect of bedding a half-fish/lady attractive. However, that doesn’t mean that the swashbuckling pirates of days gone by wouldn’t consider Disney’s “Little Mermaid” the equivalent of a stag film. I’m sure we could spend quite some time discussing how seashells must chafe a perky aquatic nipple in the salt water. Unfortunately, that will have to wait for another day…

–King 0f New York

This morning, while a stranger pushed his fat ass against the crotch of my non-pleated dress-pants on the subway, I felt something begin to grow. It was the faint tingling of an idea! Now, after nurturing it with large doses of caffeine and malnutrition, it has grown into a remarkable epiphany.

(At this point I’d like any advertising executives, who might be visiting this site to stare at Goldieloxxx banging furries while pretending to do real work, to pay close attention. I am about to give them a free idea which will no doubt get them promoted and have them banging their very own furries in no time!)

We know that advertising is everywhere. PBS, pay radio, internet, video games, and movies all contain both hidden and obvious attacks on your attention. People who promote for a living are constantly trying to find new ways to implant ideas in your brain without you knowing, right?

Well, I think they are missing a major opportunity: Pickpockets! Yeah, I know…it’s against the law to take stuff from people without them knowing. What isn’t against the law however, is giving them free stuff without their knowledge.

A savvy marketing company should hire a bunch of pickpockets to hang out in subways and shopping malls in order to distribute advertising. Nobody would see it coming. Everyone’s attention is so keenly focused on all their personal shit. They’ll never suspect that a stranger is giving them something. In the off chance that a pickpocket does get caught, he can just say, “Hey I just thought you look like a smart consumer and would appreciate this heads-up.”

People would be emptying their pockets at the end of the day and suddenly discover that they have a coupon for “All you can eat haggis at Hank’s Haggis Ho-Down.” Your mark thinks to herself, “I don’t want any intestines at that moment, but I must have kept this coupon for a reason. Next time I’m out, I’ll have to drop by Hank’s.”

With very little effort, a company business card or bad-ass bumper sticker can find its way into unsuspecting consumer purses and pockets. If you want to really boost your sales, just run a TV spot during sweeps to remind folks that the card sitting in their pockets is worth double this week only. Then watch the cash roll in.

Don’t think you’re doing anything wrong by employing criminals either. The government does it all the time! Whenever some uber hacker breaks through federal security like a Kenyan runner through finish-line tape, he gets a high paying job plugging the same holes he exploited. Really, the pick-pockets will do the same thing. Except as a bonus, you don’t even have to pay these small time criminals. After they successfully complete their assigned task, tell them to screw off. Make sure you have some folding money in one of your pockets when you meet them in person. The thieves will instinctually jack your loot, but that’s just what you want them to do. This way, the skell keeps his street cred by ripping off his employer and you’ll get cheap, skilled labor with no paper trail associating you with them.

Everybody wins: The consumer gets valuable information and SWAG for free. The pickpockets give back to society (while getting to cash in on their talent), and your business grows via word of mouth and Persistent Presence in People’s Pockets. I call it the “PP in PP” effect.

-King 0f New York