Well, it’s been a few days since I wrote anything here. I could blame the holidays or my hectic schedule but the truth is, I was just being lazy. To make up for that, I was all ready to wow you with an insightful and hysterically funny blog. It would have made you laugh until you cried. Then, in that glorious after-glow of a hearty and cleansing laugh, you would have given great thought to what I wrote. It might have even triggered an epiphany that would go on to change your life.

Instead, I got honey on my nipple and the whole thing’s out the window. I’m far too distracted now to compose anything worthwhile. To give you some idea of just how distracted I am, let me point out that immediately to the right of my keyboard sits a cardboard cup filled with a bit of honey, a teabag and lots of cold water.

You see, I was trying to be clever in composing this morning’s cup of Chinese diet tea. Like the folks at my local bagel store, I planned to add the sweetening element into the cup before pouring the water so that it might have a better chance to mix once all the elements were in place. Unfortunately, the bottom part of the honey dispenser brushed against my right nipple as I up-ended it. This left a small honey smear on my nicely cleaned and pressed forest-green button down shirt, exactly on top of my nipple. I couldn’t very well leave that there as an open invitation for some sort of retro “9½ Weeks” scenario for my coworkers. So I tried to wet the corner of a napkin and brush it away. I succeeded instead in turning my honey-nip into what appears to be a lactating man-boob (hence the reason for “diet tea” –no guy wants to sport breasts when he’s as hairy as I).

 The thought of being asked, “Hey, when’s the baby due?” by a smart-ass coworker distressed me so much that I pushed the blue lever on my water cooler instead of the red one. On top of everything I now know that teabags don’t respond well to cold water.

Seems I’ve been way too absent-minded lately. Just last night, I rushed home after work, hoping to hop in my car and catch a movie. When I got to the car, I realized that my keys were still in the office. As punishment for this oversight, I walked around two miles and blew off the movies. During my walk, I wrestled with complex philosophical issues. For instance; can fish which are pickled be considered “embalmed” and does smoking a fish mummify it since the decomposition process is greatly slowed down as a result? Walking may be better for my fat ass than movies anyway, but I’m sure any benefits that walk provided, were neutralized by the half-pint of Ben & Jerry’s Mint Chip ice cream I ate after dinner.

Such is my life. Please forgive me for not thrilling you with anything interesting today. As my punishment, I shall go and try to choke down a cup full of cold water with a teabag floating in it and unmixed honey at the bottom.

-King 0f New York